I was thinking the other day about trust. I'm not sure my wife will ever fully trust me again. I know I will gain some of it back, but unconditional trust is one of the most difficult things that a person can give to someone else- and I blew that trust many, many times. My wife suspected that I was abusing medication, but she had no idea of the severity of the abuse. Many times she accused me of taking too many pills. I always denied it- even though I knew I was an addict. One time I even remember her coming to me in love asking "Do you need help getting off of the meds?" I told her no and to stop making assumptions. I've regretted that conversation more than most others.
Trust is something that may never be fully restored and that is okay. My sponsor told me the other day how his wife still doubts his sobriety. She got hurt and has pain pills in the house, locked in her safe. But, she thought she was missing some and accused him of taking them. Oh, and he has been clean for eleven years. 11 years! And he still doesn't have that trust back. It is a reality that we have to live with. Sure, it would be nice if we could have that unconditional trust back. In many cases we may deserve to have it back. But, we have to come to terms with this. We cannot control how other people feel. We can control one person- us. Let the serenity prayer be your guide.
God,
Grant me the serenity;
To ACCEPT the things I cannot change;
COURAGE to change the things I can;
and WISDOM to know the difference
We can only change those around us by changing ourselves. We cannot control what other people feel, do or choose to do or feel. We can only control ourselves in the here and now. I hope you are doing well and again, I encourage you to share your experiences. They will make you feel better- but also will help us. We need you. I know I'll stay clean today- and I'm pretty sure I will be tomorrow too.
Bernie R.
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