Friends

Hi Friends, my name is Bernie and I am an addict. I have been in recovery for about 45 days now and I wanted to share my experiences with you. It is my prayer that if you are currently suffering the disease of addiction that you will gain some hope and know that there is a better life out there waiting for you. I also hope that through this I can meet more people in recovery and gain inspiration and hope from you. I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I live in Salt Lake City, Utah. I am currently in college and working full-time. I am married and have two children and I am starting to love my life again.

My religion teaches me to stay away from harmful substances- like alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, and other harmful substances. If I could write the Word of Wisdom today I would have it say "Alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, NARCOTICS, and other harmful substances. I constantly justified my drug use by saying "Well, it doesn't say 'pills' in the word of wisdom- so I must be okay." I thought prescription drugs were okay. I was wrong and I screwed myself over time and time again.

I first started using three years ago. I went to the doctor for a legitimate reason and he prescribed me lortab. I took as prescribed for about year and then started to abuse. The stressors of life become too much for me and medicating myself seemed like a reasonable thing to do. I started getting 150 Lortab 10's every month, and I would burn through them in two weeks, suffer for two more, and then get more. Eventually I started getting more and more pills until I was taking about 70 a day. 70 a day! Thats 700 miligrams of hydrocodone in one day! I truly was insane and could not restore myself. Finally, almost two months ago I decided that I needed help. Actually- I knew I needed help for a while. I went online and looked up the location for the Church Recovery meetings but I was too scared to go because people might know me. I looked up AA and NA meetings, but did not go for the same reason. Finally, in April, when my life had hit bottom (meaning that the thought of continuing to use became more difficult to deal with than the thought of quitting) I decided I needed help. I had tried many, many times to quit on my own- but to no avail. I COULD NOT stop on my own. Will power wasn't enough. So, I checked myself into rehab. It was the best decision I ever made. But, as anyone who has been to rehab knows, simply going to rehab is not enough. YOU have to have the true desire to stop using or drinking. After many years, I finally reached that point.

For far too long I was too ashamed to get help. I was afraid of what my neighbors or other church members would think of me. It seems like that it is engrained in our culture that seeking help for our problems is a sign of weakness. IT IS NOT! Only you can decided if you need help- but please don't base your decision on what other people will think. What other people think is their problem- not yours. Too many of us have been lost to this disease because of their concerns for what other people will think of them, which is prideful behavior. Plus- other members don't have to know. The Church Addiction Recovery Program, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous are all programs centered on anonymity. So, if you are thinking of getting help but are afraid to go to a meeting- just remember- the only requirement is the desire to stop using/drinking. So give yourself a break and GO! Some people don't want to stop. Don't let them get you down. Some people are just born without the desire to be honest with themselves, and that is okay. Just don't let that deter you from getting help. Its worth it.

Addiction is a disease that has no cure. However- it can be treated. How do you treat addiction? The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is the treatment. The Church uses these same (though with a focus on the gospel) steps in the Addiction Recovery Program (ARP). Go to a meeting and get the workbook. If you haven't been to church in a long time (like me) then these meetings sound scary, until you go to them. The people there are just like you- scared, powerless over chemicals and sick and tired of being sick and tired. Right now I go to AA meetings and to the Church Recovery Meetings. I feel the spirit and gain from both of them. The Church meetings help me to get the desire to go back to Church and rebuild my testimony. AA meetings strengthen my spiritual self and inspire me.

I love you all. I understand what you are going through and I know you understand me. I always told myself that I didn't have a drug problem, and I didn't- until I ran out of drugs. They became my life and consumed me. Recovery is an amazing place to be right now. I don't care about your background, ethincity, race, gender, sexual orientation, drug or drink of choice, etc. Addiction does not discriminate and niether should recovery.

I can't change the past. I can't control the future. All I know is that today I am not going to use or have a drink. Let me know your experiences and how your recovery is going, I need the encouragement.

I'll take another 24-
Bernie