I just realized that it has been a week since I have written. My bad.. I have been overly busy at work and just haven't written anything. Things are going well for me. Work is great, my kids are great, and my marriage is slowly but surely getting better. My wife attends my aftercare program with me and she is getting a lot of out of it. We do our second round of marriage counseling tonight, so we'll see how that goes. I am hopeful.
I came to the determination that I can never take any mind-altering substances about a month ago. This includes things like NyQuil, Benedryl, Sudafed, Tylenol P.M.- or anything with "P.M." I know that this makes me sound like a nut, but its the truth.. I am working on losing weight right now and I am really tempted to go get some Ephedrine tablets because I hear that it works well as an appetite supressant. However, I know that it will start a long road to hell. I just know how my mind works and there is no way I can actually take the recomended dose. I've never used it before, but I feel tempted. I know I can't. I know what it does to me. Everyone is different, but I would encourage everyone, if you can, to avoid all mind-altering substances. It sucks to go through a cold without taking a decongestant but really think back- did it actually help? Usually it just knocks you out and helps you sleep through the cold. It sucks to go through stress without drinking too- but we can't do that. I know that I am powerless over drugs and alcohol. As soon as I justify a little use- then my relapse is inevitable. Anyway, I am doing really good and feel more like myself everyday. I haven't used in 56 days and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to use today.
Bernie
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I am LDS and recovering from porn addiction. I would be interested in chatting with you.
ReplyDeletei am a wife of a drug addict. what are ways i can help my husband?
ReplyDeleteHi Bernie. Your blog is inspiring to me. I am an active LDS mom of 5 beautiful children, married to an amazing man for 16 years now, and very active in the church for almost twenty years (I am 34, a convert since age 16). Just as some possibly useful background relevant to the question I'm going to ask, I am a published author, a former schoolteacher with a master's in educational admin. and now a homemaker completing my doctorate. I guess one reason I felt kinship to your blog was the student thing; I have one year left in my doctorate program (org. leadership). Every week I teach Gospel Doctrine class and someone comes up and tells me how much I inspire them. For so very long this has been not so nice for me because none of these people- no one in fact but my husband and doctor and bishop (who has allowed me to continue teaching and to keep my temple recommend through all of this)- know that I became addicted to my prescription pain pills and abused them for almost two years. I took lortab for a long time for a medical reason, then tapered off (that was hell, but I did it and was clean for quite a while- so proud of myself), then felt strong enough to take one lortab of my husband's. Bam. I started researching suboxone because I so greatly feared the withdrawal process. Now I have tapered off of suboxone after about six months down to nothing. I made the decision about a week and a half ago. The tapering wasn't too hard until the last couple of days. I just wonder if you could blog something about the earliest days- something that might be meaningful to someone who is doing this at home, alone with nothing but the love of an amazing husband and the power of God. Any inspiration I can get from someone who seems somewhat like myself would be wonderful. I read a lot of things and I just can't relate to them well. For several reasons, as you might be able to tell, I can relate to your story. I was like you and didn't want to go to the local LDS recovery meetings because I live in a small town (Preston, Idaho) and didn't want any members to find out. Yes, that's very stupid, I know. I actually went to an AA meeting, and the spirit there was so dark and vulgar that I just coudln't go back. Thus I read my LDS Twelve Step manual alone, do the work, pray, and struggle through the days right now. Please let me know if there were specific things that made it easier to remember that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to truly be the me that I was before, the me that everyone (except myself) still thinks I am- a strong, talented, beautiful, happy, successful, LDS mom. I'm tired of reading depressing blogs and chats about horrible expriences. Please tell me that things will soon feel better! It would mean the world to me if you could do that. THank you for your bravery in sharing! It makes me want to do the same thing. I actually have two blogs, but neither is about the process of breaking free. One of them is similar, but mostly just a collection of anonymous prayers- sort of a prayer journal. Anyway, as a writer, I obviously find writing therapeutic, and even just reading how you've shared your journey makes mine seem lighter right now. Thanks again, Bernie, and my prayers will be with you and your sweet family as well.
ReplyDeleteHey Bernie,
ReplyDeleteI too am LDS and I too am a drug addict. I have done everything from LSD to Opiates such as heroin which i recently tapered off from. I am not boasting. Opiate addiction is not easy. For some reason through my recovery stages it seemed like Satan tempted me the most with OTC stuff like ephedrine, the most. Trust me, Ephedrine to write home about. I would definitely not trade my recovery for a rapid heart rate and agitation (jitters). But thats just me. Hang in there and i look forward to reading your blog more. your an inspiration to more than you know.
Your brother in Christ, Chris
*Ephedrine is nothing to write home about."
ReplyDeleteI too am a recovering addict. I am 22 years old now, married in the Temple, and we are about to try to have children. It seems weird to think back about my past experiences. My reality last year and the 4 years before that are my worst nightmares now. How did we choose to live like that? well... i don't know how much of it was an informed "clear minded" choice.. so i'll never really figure out why i chose that life but thats not what i was gonna say in this comment. But i just wanted to say that i found your blog from the lds recovery blog page, and i've read all of them just now. You are great with words, and it inspires me to maybe be a little less private about my experiences, and share a little in hopes that it will help someone. its so hard to move on from our mistakes and find meaning in all the hard stuff we went through. But i've discovered that helping someone through the same thing we've been through.. thats the meaning. I was struggling, and then i heard a rumor through my parents ward i grew up in, that an old wardy friend of mine was in jail. Heroin was her drug of choice, as was mine. i connected with her, shared with her. took her to lds 12 steps and became her sponser. i was surprised by how many people i know that are going through the same thing as me. her story is similar to mine.. i started with pills, moved onto drinking and kinda just trying everything and eventually moved onto heroin.. it was easier to find and more intense and cheaper than oxy.. it seemed logical at the time. i prayed like you... to not get caught. to find my way out of it all. Then i got arrested, and i am SO thankful for it. Its strange how God answers our prayers with a "no" like you said. but its amazing the love we feel when we realize he is actually paying attention. thank you for your blog. it really helps
ReplyDelete