I just realized that it has been a week since I have written. My bad.. I have been overly busy at work and just haven't written anything. Things are going well for me. Work is great, my kids are great, and my marriage is slowly but surely getting better. My wife attends my aftercare program with me and she is getting a lot of out of it. We do our second round of marriage counseling tonight, so we'll see how that goes. I am hopeful.
I came to the determination that I can never take any mind-altering substances about a month ago. This includes things like NyQuil, Benedryl, Sudafed, Tylenol P.M.- or anything with "P.M." I know that this makes me sound like a nut, but its the truth.. I am working on losing weight right now and I am really tempted to go get some Ephedrine tablets because I hear that it works well as an appetite supressant. However, I know that it will start a long road to hell. I just know how my mind works and there is no way I can actually take the recomended dose. I've never used it before, but I feel tempted. I know I can't. I know what it does to me. Everyone is different, but I would encourage everyone, if you can, to avoid all mind-altering substances. It sucks to go through a cold without taking a decongestant but really think back- did it actually help? Usually it just knocks you out and helps you sleep through the cold. It sucks to go through stress without drinking too- but we can't do that. I know that I am powerless over drugs and alcohol. As soon as I justify a little use- then my relapse is inevitable. Anyway, I am doing really good and feel more like myself everyday. I haven't used in 56 days and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to use today.
Bernie
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
90 in 90
Well, this is becoming more of a journal than a blog, but that is okay. I am going to keep writing because it is therapeutic to me and in the hopes that someone is reading and may benefit. I took my two last finals yesterday and it was awesome. Its amazing to actually take a test clean and sober- your mind actually functions again! I could actually think about other things besides drugs and getting more of them. I have really benefited from going to a lot of meetings recently. I mostly go to AA meetings along with my ARP (LDS Addiction Recovery Program) meeting on Thursday evenings. Last week I decided that I would wanted to do 90 meetings in 90 days. At first that seemed daunting. But, now its hard for me to go a day without going to a meeting. I work all day and I like to be at home with my family at night, so I try and go to meetings in the early mornings and during lunch. It has really strengthened my recovery. Before I quit using I would drive by the locations of meetings but never quite made it inside. I was too scared I would know someone or they would know me. We can't let our pride get in the way of our recovery. We need to get clean and then help others get clean. Anyway, I feel great today. Its a great day to be sober. I have now been clean for 50 days! One day at a time. All things are possible with God.
Bernie
Bernie
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
One Day at a Time
I was intrigued the other day by a guy at an AA meeting that I went to. There were a few sobriety birthday, one guy for 25 years and another with 9 months. After we got started sharing one guy stated how 9 months is a lot more significant than 25 years. He mentioned that after 25 years you've probably forgotten how to drink.
I seriously doubt that any alcoholic or drug addict has forgotten how to use or where to get their drugs. I certainly haven't, but then again I haven't been clean that long. When I really sit down and think about it- I don't think I have the time nor energy to use again. I can't believe some of the things I would do to get more drugs- scam all kinds of doctors, scam my friends, family, steal from people- I would have done anything. I was crawling around like an animal. I am grateful for where I am today. Its a day by day process. I've met people in recovery who were sober for 20 years and then relapsed. I learn from my friends in recovery. I know I need to work my program if I am going to stay clean and sober. I am grateful for all of you. If you are reading this- please post your experiences. I need them more than you think.
Thanks--
Bernie
I seriously doubt that any alcoholic or drug addict has forgotten how to use or where to get their drugs. I certainly haven't, but then again I haven't been clean that long. When I really sit down and think about it- I don't think I have the time nor energy to use again. I can't believe some of the things I would do to get more drugs- scam all kinds of doctors, scam my friends, family, steal from people- I would have done anything. I was crawling around like an animal. I am grateful for where I am today. Its a day by day process. I've met people in recovery who were sober for 20 years and then relapsed. I learn from my friends in recovery. I know I need to work my program if I am going to stay clean and sober. I am grateful for all of you. If you are reading this- please post your experiences. I need them more than you think.
Thanks--
Bernie
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Trust
Yesterday was a pretty good day. I spent most of it in the library getting ready for some exams I have tomorrow and Tuesday, but it wasn't too bad. Studying in the Summer is not very fun, but its not so bad when the rain is dumping like a waterfall outside.
I was thinking the other day about trust. I'm not sure my wife will ever fully trust me again. I know I will gain some of it back, but unconditional trust is one of the most difficult things that a person can give to someone else- and I blew that trust many, many times. My wife suspected that I was abusing medication, but she had no idea of the severity of the abuse. Many times she accused me of taking too many pills. I always denied it- even though I knew I was an addict. One time I even remember her coming to me in love asking "Do you need help getting off of the meds?" I told her no and to stop making assumptions. I've regretted that conversation more than most others.
Trust is something that may never be fully restored and that is okay. My sponsor told me the other day how his wife still doubts his sobriety. She got hurt and has pain pills in the house, locked in her safe. But, she thought she was missing some and accused him of taking them. Oh, and he has been clean for eleven years. 11 years! And he still doesn't have that trust back. It is a reality that we have to live with. Sure, it would be nice if we could have that unconditional trust back. In many cases we may deserve to have it back. But, we have to come to terms with this. We cannot control how other people feel. We can control one person- us. Let the serenity prayer be your guide.
God,
Grant me the serenity;
To ACCEPT the things I cannot change;
COURAGE to change the things I can;
and WISDOM to know the difference
We can only change those around us by changing ourselves. We cannot control what other people feel, do or choose to do or feel. We can only control ourselves in the here and now. I hope you are doing well and again, I encourage you to share your experiences. They will make you feel better- but also will help us. We need you. I know I'll stay clean today- and I'm pretty sure I will be tomorrow too.
Bernie R.
I was thinking the other day about trust. I'm not sure my wife will ever fully trust me again. I know I will gain some of it back, but unconditional trust is one of the most difficult things that a person can give to someone else- and I blew that trust many, many times. My wife suspected that I was abusing medication, but she had no idea of the severity of the abuse. Many times she accused me of taking too many pills. I always denied it- even though I knew I was an addict. One time I even remember her coming to me in love asking "Do you need help getting off of the meds?" I told her no and to stop making assumptions. I've regretted that conversation more than most others.
Trust is something that may never be fully restored and that is okay. My sponsor told me the other day how his wife still doubts his sobriety. She got hurt and has pain pills in the house, locked in her safe. But, she thought she was missing some and accused him of taking them. Oh, and he has been clean for eleven years. 11 years! And he still doesn't have that trust back. It is a reality that we have to live with. Sure, it would be nice if we could have that unconditional trust back. In many cases we may deserve to have it back. But, we have to come to terms with this. We cannot control how other people feel. We can control one person- us. Let the serenity prayer be your guide.
God,
Grant me the serenity;
To ACCEPT the things I cannot change;
COURAGE to change the things I can;
and WISDOM to know the difference
We can only change those around us by changing ourselves. We cannot control what other people feel, do or choose to do or feel. We can only control ourselves in the here and now. I hope you are doing well and again, I encourage you to share your experiences. They will make you feel better- but also will help us. We need you. I know I'll stay clean today- and I'm pretty sure I will be tomorrow too.
Bernie R.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Wisdom
I was reading in the Big Book (http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/) yesterday and read a passage that really struck out in my mind:
"It was only a matter of willing to believe in a power greater than myself. Nothing more was required for me to make my beginning."- Bill's Story, chapter 2.
My membership in the Church really strengthens my recovery. My Higher Power is God the Eternal Father and His son Jesus Christ. I could not make it without God. I am fairly new in recovery and I have to go hour by hour sometimes in order to stay clean. God grants me the power to keep going and He keeps temptation at bay. Activity in the Church is important to me. Not only because I want my children to go to church or show my wife that I am willing to stay active but because my salvation is on the line. That is a big motivator for me. However, you don't have to want to come back to church or have a desire to be active again if you want to get clean and sober. All we have to do is come to believe that God can and will restore us to sanity if we will seek Him. We all know the picture of Christ knocking at a door that has no handle on the outside. That is the basic concept of AA. God will help, if we will seek him.
During the height of my addiction I was taking a lot pills. I am only alive because of the grace of God, for no other reason. My liver should be destroyed. I got more and more pills in all kinds of illegal ways and I would pray to God everyday to help me not get caught. This was basically how my prayers went "Heavenly Father, please help me not to get caught today. If I won't get caught, then I will stop using on my own." I actually asked God to help me not get caught. I am so grateful that God answers prayers by saying 'No." God said no to my prayer because He knows what is best for me. Now when I pray I ask that I may know God's will for my life and that I will have the courage to follow it. Its so simple. We don't need to ask God for every little thing that we desire. Just ask that we can have the wisdom to accept His will. I don't always agree with God's will and I'm not always happy with the outcome. But, I know there is a greater purpose.
Christ taught: "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"
Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-8
We have made a lot of mistakes and sin in our addiction. We have burned many bridges and isolated those closest to us. But, we can take wisdom from our mistakes. Mistakes are only worth something if we learn from them. Otherwise, in our disease, if we make a mistake- we can die. The N.A. basic text teaches that there are three outcomes for the using addict: Jails, Institutions, or Death. Of course, there is the preferable outcome of recovery. Recovery is NOT just stopping using or drinking. In AA we call someone who has quit using or drinking but is not working a 12-step program a "Dry Drunk," rather than a recovering alcoholic or addict. We can't just discontinue our drug use. We need to work the 12 steps.
I know that I can recover if I work my program. Thanks for reading. I know that I will be clean today, and I'm pretty sure I will tomorrow too. I've been clean now 46 days, one day at a time.
Bernie R.
"It was only a matter of willing to believe in a power greater than myself. Nothing more was required for me to make my beginning."- Bill's Story, chapter 2.
My membership in the Church really strengthens my recovery. My Higher Power is God the Eternal Father and His son Jesus Christ. I could not make it without God. I am fairly new in recovery and I have to go hour by hour sometimes in order to stay clean. God grants me the power to keep going and He keeps temptation at bay. Activity in the Church is important to me. Not only because I want my children to go to church or show my wife that I am willing to stay active but because my salvation is on the line. That is a big motivator for me. However, you don't have to want to come back to church or have a desire to be active again if you want to get clean and sober. All we have to do is come to believe that God can and will restore us to sanity if we will seek Him. We all know the picture of Christ knocking at a door that has no handle on the outside. That is the basic concept of AA. God will help, if we will seek him.
During the height of my addiction I was taking a lot pills. I am only alive because of the grace of God, for no other reason. My liver should be destroyed. I got more and more pills in all kinds of illegal ways and I would pray to God everyday to help me not get caught. This was basically how my prayers went "Heavenly Father, please help me not to get caught today. If I won't get caught, then I will stop using on my own." I actually asked God to help me not get caught. I am so grateful that God answers prayers by saying 'No." God said no to my prayer because He knows what is best for me. Now when I pray I ask that I may know God's will for my life and that I will have the courage to follow it. Its so simple. We don't need to ask God for every little thing that we desire. Just ask that we can have the wisdom to accept His will. I don't always agree with God's will and I'm not always happy with the outcome. But, I know there is a greater purpose.
Christ taught: "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"
Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-8
We have made a lot of mistakes and sin in our addiction. We have burned many bridges and isolated those closest to us. But, we can take wisdom from our mistakes. Mistakes are only worth something if we learn from them. Otherwise, in our disease, if we make a mistake- we can die. The N.A. basic text teaches that there are three outcomes for the using addict: Jails, Institutions, or Death. Of course, there is the preferable outcome of recovery. Recovery is NOT just stopping using or drinking. In AA we call someone who has quit using or drinking but is not working a 12-step program a "Dry Drunk," rather than a recovering alcoholic or addict. We can't just discontinue our drug use. We need to work the 12 steps.
I know that I can recover if I work my program. Thanks for reading. I know that I will be clean today, and I'm pretty sure I will tomorrow too. I've been clean now 46 days, one day at a time.
Bernie R.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Friends
Hi Friends, my name is Bernie and I am an addict. I have been in recovery for about 45 days now and I wanted to share my experiences with you. It is my prayer that if you are currently suffering the disease of addiction that you will gain some hope and know that there is a better life out there waiting for you. I also hope that through this I can meet more people in recovery and gain inspiration and hope from you. I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I live in Salt Lake City, Utah. I am currently in college and working full-time. I am married and have two children and I am starting to love my life again.
My religion teaches me to stay away from harmful substances- like alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, and other harmful substances. If I could write the Word of Wisdom today I would have it say "Alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, NARCOTICS, and other harmful substances. I constantly justified my drug use by saying "Well, it doesn't say 'pills' in the word of wisdom- so I must be okay." I thought prescription drugs were okay. I was wrong and I screwed myself over time and time again.
I first started using three years ago. I went to the doctor for a legitimate reason and he prescribed me lortab. I took as prescribed for about year and then started to abuse. The stressors of life become too much for me and medicating myself seemed like a reasonable thing to do. I started getting 150 Lortab 10's every month, and I would burn through them in two weeks, suffer for two more, and then get more. Eventually I started getting more and more pills until I was taking about 70 a day. 70 a day! Thats 700 miligrams of hydrocodone in one day! I truly was insane and could not restore myself. Finally, almost two months ago I decided that I needed help. Actually- I knew I needed help for a while. I went online and looked up the location for the Church Recovery meetings but I was too scared to go because people might know me. I looked up AA and NA meetings, but did not go for the same reason. Finally, in April, when my life had hit bottom (meaning that the thought of continuing to use became more difficult to deal with than the thought of quitting) I decided I needed help. I had tried many, many times to quit on my own- but to no avail. I COULD NOT stop on my own. Will power wasn't enough. So, I checked myself into rehab. It was the best decision I ever made. But, as anyone who has been to rehab knows, simply going to rehab is not enough. YOU have to have the true desire to stop using or drinking. After many years, I finally reached that point.
For far too long I was too ashamed to get help. I was afraid of what my neighbors or other church members would think of me. It seems like that it is engrained in our culture that seeking help for our problems is a sign of weakness. IT IS NOT! Only you can decided if you need help- but please don't base your decision on what other people will think. What other people think is their problem- not yours. Too many of us have been lost to this disease because of their concerns for what other people will think of them, which is prideful behavior. Plus- other members don't have to know. The Church Addiction Recovery Program, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous are all programs centered on anonymity. So, if you are thinking of getting help but are afraid to go to a meeting- just remember- the only requirement is the desire to stop using/drinking. So give yourself a break and GO! Some people don't want to stop. Don't let them get you down. Some people are just born without the desire to be honest with themselves, and that is okay. Just don't let that deter you from getting help. Its worth it.
Addiction is a disease that has no cure. However- it can be treated. How do you treat addiction? The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is the treatment. The Church uses these same (though with a focus on the gospel) steps in the Addiction Recovery Program (ARP). Go to a meeting and get the workbook. If you haven't been to church in a long time (like me) then these meetings sound scary, until you go to them. The people there are just like you- scared, powerless over chemicals and sick and tired of being sick and tired. Right now I go to AA meetings and to the Church Recovery Meetings. I feel the spirit and gain from both of them. The Church meetings help me to get the desire to go back to Church and rebuild my testimony. AA meetings strengthen my spiritual self and inspire me.
I love you all. I understand what you are going through and I know you understand me. I always told myself that I didn't have a drug problem, and I didn't- until I ran out of drugs. They became my life and consumed me. Recovery is an amazing place to be right now. I don't care about your background, ethincity, race, gender, sexual orientation, drug or drink of choice, etc. Addiction does not discriminate and niether should recovery.
I can't change the past. I can't control the future. All I know is that today I am not going to use or have a drink. Let me know your experiences and how your recovery is going, I need the encouragement.
I'll take another 24-
Bernie
My religion teaches me to stay away from harmful substances- like alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, and other harmful substances. If I could write the Word of Wisdom today I would have it say "Alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, NARCOTICS, and other harmful substances. I constantly justified my drug use by saying "Well, it doesn't say 'pills' in the word of wisdom- so I must be okay." I thought prescription drugs were okay. I was wrong and I screwed myself over time and time again.
I first started using three years ago. I went to the doctor for a legitimate reason and he prescribed me lortab. I took as prescribed for about year and then started to abuse. The stressors of life become too much for me and medicating myself seemed like a reasonable thing to do. I started getting 150 Lortab 10's every month, and I would burn through them in two weeks, suffer for two more, and then get more. Eventually I started getting more and more pills until I was taking about 70 a day. 70 a day! Thats 700 miligrams of hydrocodone in one day! I truly was insane and could not restore myself. Finally, almost two months ago I decided that I needed help. Actually- I knew I needed help for a while. I went online and looked up the location for the Church Recovery meetings but I was too scared to go because people might know me. I looked up AA and NA meetings, but did not go for the same reason. Finally, in April, when my life had hit bottom (meaning that the thought of continuing to use became more difficult to deal with than the thought of quitting) I decided I needed help. I had tried many, many times to quit on my own- but to no avail. I COULD NOT stop on my own. Will power wasn't enough. So, I checked myself into rehab. It was the best decision I ever made. But, as anyone who has been to rehab knows, simply going to rehab is not enough. YOU have to have the true desire to stop using or drinking. After many years, I finally reached that point.
For far too long I was too ashamed to get help. I was afraid of what my neighbors or other church members would think of me. It seems like that it is engrained in our culture that seeking help for our problems is a sign of weakness. IT IS NOT! Only you can decided if you need help- but please don't base your decision on what other people will think. What other people think is their problem- not yours. Too many of us have been lost to this disease because of their concerns for what other people will think of them, which is prideful behavior. Plus- other members don't have to know. The Church Addiction Recovery Program, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous are all programs centered on anonymity. So, if you are thinking of getting help but are afraid to go to a meeting- just remember- the only requirement is the desire to stop using/drinking. So give yourself a break and GO! Some people don't want to stop. Don't let them get you down. Some people are just born without the desire to be honest with themselves, and that is okay. Just don't let that deter you from getting help. Its worth it.
Addiction is a disease that has no cure. However- it can be treated. How do you treat addiction? The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is the treatment. The Church uses these same (though with a focus on the gospel) steps in the Addiction Recovery Program (ARP). Go to a meeting and get the workbook. If you haven't been to church in a long time (like me) then these meetings sound scary, until you go to them. The people there are just like you- scared, powerless over chemicals and sick and tired of being sick and tired. Right now I go to AA meetings and to the Church Recovery Meetings. I feel the spirit and gain from both of them. The Church meetings help me to get the desire to go back to Church and rebuild my testimony. AA meetings strengthen my spiritual self and inspire me.
I love you all. I understand what you are going through and I know you understand me. I always told myself that I didn't have a drug problem, and I didn't- until I ran out of drugs. They became my life and consumed me. Recovery is an amazing place to be right now. I don't care about your background, ethincity, race, gender, sexual orientation, drug or drink of choice, etc. Addiction does not discriminate and niether should recovery.
I can't change the past. I can't control the future. All I know is that today I am not going to use or have a drink. Let me know your experiences and how your recovery is going, I need the encouragement.
I'll take another 24-
Bernie
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